Discontinued Traditions

I almost don't even want to bring this up.

Everyone has different holiday traditions.  For example, at Thanksgiving my mother's side of the family always serves an oyster casserole (shudder).  A friend of mine always has grilled turkey.  There's always some reason for these random difference in family traditions--the oysters are to appease my grandfather, the grilled turkey because they run out of room in the oven.  Sometimes you have to look pretty hard to find the reasons, and sometimes you decide that the reasons are no longer important.  Sometimes, the tradition turns out to be so heinous, so difficult, and so time-consuming that you don't want to continue doing it despite all the Memories.

For me this tradition is bourbon balls.  The bourbon ball recipe is described by some as a "Southern," "easy," and "elegant" tradition.  I can assure you that it is only one of these things.  Some of my first memories of Christmas in North Carolina include my Nana's bourbon balls, and so as soon as I got old enough to contribute to the holiday cooking extravaganza, I asked my mom to buy me some liquor.  So that I could learn to make candy.

At any rate, I quickly learned what a pain in the ass this lovely Southern tradition is.  And also that I don't even like bourbon.  But year after year, people asked for the bourbon balls, and I never wanted to let them down.  Did I notice that only 3.5 of the candies I made got eaten?  Yes.  Did I ever actually enjoy the following process?  No.  The reason I didn't want to bring this up is because I don't make these anymore, and reminding people that I used to might open the floor to suggestions about how I should be making them this year. If you try it, then you'll see why this is no longer in the traditional Christmas rotation.

Bourbon Balls
1/2 cup walnuts or pecans
1/2 cup butter
1 cup confectioner's sugar
1 jigger bourbon
Semi-sweet baking chocolate, in blocks
Paraffin (Yes I said WAX.  For your FOOD)

Ponderous Steps:
1 Allow the butter to come to room temperature.  This takes patience and also planning and is the first part of this recipe that sucks.
2 Cream together the butter and the powdered sugar. Finely chop the pecans. Add the bourbon (what is a "jigger"? beats the heck out of me...for us less technical types, or those only in possession of souvenir shot glasses from Mexico, it means "some") and the pecans and mix well.
3 Refrigerate the whole mess for a few hours.  Again, this requires aforethought that we here at the Put-Upon Chef just don't possess.  In general, it's a good idea to read the recipe before beginning it to make sure you have enough time to actually complete it.  Whatever.
4 When the mixture is chilled, roll it into small, bite-sized balls.  My nana's were always even, beautiful spheres, but I just don't have her patience.  As you work with it, the dough will start to thaw and stick to your hands, at which point you should abandon small, bite-seized balls and settle for large, misshapen lumps.
5 Here comes the flinchy part.  In a double boiler, heat a few squares of the baking chocolate and 1 inch or so of the paraffin block.  And don't worry, technically paraffin is edible.  It will give your candies that unnatural glossy finish, and Gulf Wax kind of has a monopoly on the situation so if you can't find that then you are probably looking at supplies for candle making, which are not ingestable.  Inevitably, the water in the bottom of the double boiler will actually boil over without warning and burn you. While you speed around the kitchen trying to bandage yourself and running cold water on your burns, the chocolate will start to burn too.
6 Stick a bamboo skewer (didn't mention that part in the ingredients section, did I?? Welcome to cooking!) in the top of a ball to pick it up, and swirl it around in the chocolate.  Set to dry on top of waxed paper, which you won't have because no one buys that stuff anymore, so you'll just have to estimate whether a surface is nonstick.  Repeat...and repeat...and repeat.  At some point the chocolate will run low, and you will need to dip while simultaneously tipping the double boiler, a strategy that will most likely end in some kind of injury.  Chocolate dipping is not for sissies.

Now you will have about 20.5 more bourbon balls than anyone will eat.  They are sure to be a hit, but you will have already decided that you hate them.  My only suggestion to you:  Complete years of therapy and learn that "No" is a complete sentence and that Christmas happiness does not depend on whether you do the same things year after year.