The Aforementioned Risotto

Risotto and I have an abusive relationship. Sometimes I cannot remember whether it improves the quality of my life or makes it worse. I know it improved my life when I wasn't the one making it. Foolishly, I requested the recipe. It's not particularly difficult and yet it is extremely difficult. I made it 3 times and it was okay but I wasn't in love anymore. It wasn't a huge failure any of those times, though I did have to collect aluminum cans in order to afford the ingredients, and I still couldn't buy the saffron, so I just kind of decided that risotto was not worth the money or the effort. And it's a lot of effort--all that stirring. But Christmas was a-comin' and what did I find when I peered into my stocking but one of those coveted jars containing about .5 milligrams of saffron, tucked away into little vials which I guarded with my life on the trip back home. Thus inspired, I began anew, and this time, I made that risotto my bitch. My roommate proclaimed it the best attempt yet, and as an added bonus it was a nice yellowy color, not the color of old dog poo like it was before the saffron came into my life.

So, if your household has some extra income, or regularly chooses the purchase of expensive cheeses over making a car, house, or credit card payment, I suggest you print this recipe out and give it to one of your loved ones to make for you.

Million-Dollar Risotto*
Ingredients:
4 tablespoons of butter
1 tablespoon of olive oil 
1 small onion, chopped
1 cup risotto (Real Italians use Vialone Nano, but Arborio is okay plus cheaper and at this point, you are probably counting pennies)
Small handful of dried porcini mushrooms
1/4 cup dry white wine
1/2 teaspoon saffron (Did I sufficiently impress the importance of this ingredient on you? Because without it, you might as well not even bother)
3 cups chicken/vegetable broth (Or water and bouillon...more on this later)
1 cup grated ridiculously-expensive-f'reals-version-not-fakey Parmegiano-Reggiano cheese (Buy a little extra though, for sustenance)

Ponderous Steps:
1.  Soak the mushrooms in warm water for about 15 minutes; when re-hydrated, drain and chop coarsely. This is the first thing to mess up. For whatever reason, I kept forgetting to chop the mushrooms after re-hydrating, probably because I was so stressed about the stirring that I knew would happen shortly. This is one option but it means the mushrooms are huge and kind of gross at the end, as they don't magically shrink when you put them in food. Go figure.
2. If you DON'T have a gluten-intolerant roommate then you can add 1.5 cubes of bouillon to 3 cups of water, heat it, and add the small pinch of unicorn hairs saffron. If you DO have to cook gluten free, there's a grand total of one (1) brand of broth that she can eat, and it comes in a carton, thus tempting you to not heat the broth separately because after all you could just pour it directly from the carton which would make sense, right? Well yes it would but don't fall into this corner-cutting trap because then you don't heat the broth with the saffron and then you end up with poo-colored rice. I don't know what would happen if you just added saffron to the rice without heating it in broth first but I'm not willing to find out because, last I checked, I wasn't made of money. Nor does it grow on trees, plus I just took the dog to the vet where they pronounced her completely healthy in exchange for $200, so I can't just go throwing saffron around all willy-nilly.
3. Saute the chopped onion in 3 tablespoons of melted butter and one tablespoon of olive oil, until the onion is translucent.
4. Add the rice and saute 3-4 minutes. And the fun starts already:  Stir the whole time so that the rice does not burn.
5. Add wine and stir until it is completely absorbed.
6. Add the broth about 1/4 of a cup at a time, stirring with a wooden spoon until each is completely absorbed. When you pour in new broth, it should sizzle, otherwise you didn't let the last broth absorb enough. This is a very scientific test and it's almost impossible to tell whether the next broth with sizzle. And don't forget to stir the whole time. Somewhere in here, between the stirring and the grating of the incredibly hard cheese, you'll start to get really hungry. This is where the extra parmegiano-reggiano comes in--it's a snack you can eat one-handed and you'll be able to stir happily for hours.
7. Continue this adding-broth-and-stirring regimen until the broth is used but make sure you don't over cook the rice. This probably won't happen because you'll have the heat turned up real high to make the broth evaporate faster, thinking that this makes you real smart and have to do less stirring. That's not the case, and that will probably make it undercooked, if anything.
8. When the rice is al dente set it off the heat and immediately stir in 1 tablespoon of butter and 3/4 cup of the grated cheese.
9. With your last remaining strength, stir the mixture furiously to make the risotto, cheese, and butter blend and get nice and creamy.
10. Serve to thankful people (at least they better be thankful) with some grated cheese on the side but maybe don't mention how much butter is in there. Make sure the dinner conversation revolves around how tired your arm is from stirring.

*It has an Italian name too but I don't speak Italian nor can I remember how many times to put "Alla" in it.